Yes, lately I've been through a lot. Throughout this whole month, ever since 14th September I never had a night that I can sleep peacefully.
Wants to deny it really badly, but honestly I really still can't sleep in a peace of mind until now.
A month ago, that day was supposed to be great.
Yeah, I prepared a lot, but I swear what I expected was just a whole day with him. But slowly it became just a dinner with him would make my day.
I spent a whole month to prepare his gifts, yeah, I made him a photobook.
(okay, if YOU so happen to be reading my blog, idc, but this is my blog. If you can't take what am I going to be typing next, you can just leave now. REALLY.)
I was really excited to know what have he prepared. R e a l l y excited.
Though he doesn't sound like he prepared anything but I kept that doubt away from me because I was a positive person. (Turns out I was right tho)
Oh well, all the while I knew when I'm so excited over something, bad things would surely happen. It was expected, but not expected to turn out like that.
I mean, hey, it was supposed to be our first anniversary together, how can I not be excited? I know things hasn't been going well for him but still.
How can I possibly be not excited and do not expect anything at all when I spent a month preparing?
Can any girls do this? Please just let me know cause I still don't think the problem is on me for having expectations.
I get disappointments for a few times already, that really wasn't my first time.
Huge ass disappointments always strikes me every time I get too excited for something.
Discovered a lie on Valentines' Day, found out a worse lie two days after his birthday, and what else? Keeping distance since our supposed-to-be-first-anniversary.
Ya it is fine to not celebrate together on that day, if he showed me more affection on that night, I probably wouldn't get so emotional and sent him a bunch of long texts telling him how disappointed I was.
Things went really wrong.
I don't know when on earth but he started tweeting and retweeting things that I couldn't relate to myself. I thought, he was still into me. I thought.
To be honest, I don't know, sometimes I feel that love, sometimes, I felt like he had a new crush already. I DIDN'T KNOW.
I was even stupid enough to ask him what are his tweet relating to, he told me it was about his family.
I trusted him. But then things got weirder.
As days goes by, I can feel our distance getting further and further.
I tried my best to keep it up, but what he does was just pushing me away all over again.
On 30th September, things turned into the way that I never wanted it to happen.
From that day, I've never had a normal lifestyle. I eat so less, sleep so less, being in deep depression everyday.
As a few day passed by, two? or three? not even four days if I wasn't mistaken. I do not want to tell so much, but yeah I found out things.
I found out that he has been talking to this girl everyday since then, I found out that he have been hanging with this girl everyday since then.
I didn't even knew what was wrong.
Stupid enough for me to ask him, if he still cares. He told me he do.
I had hopes that time, for that day, I ate. A plate of noodle all by myself.
I thought I found my hope back, but no.
Another few more days goes by, what I find out just hurts me so damn much.
I ended up writing him an actual letter and mailed to him.
Surprisingly the letter reached him really fast.
He text me and told me he really missed me but he couldn't come back anymore.
He even told me they both were JUST FRIENDS, NOTHING IN BETWEEN.
Can't believe I trusted. Can't fucking believe I trusted.
My friends all told me not to reply him and get over it already.
Funny how I still couldn't be cruel to him. I was afraid that he might kill himself or what and I stupidly replied him.
Replied him so much more than he typed to me, cus that was what I always do.
I think he probably feel like I was a joke to tell him that "If nothing goes right after you've tried every way, maybe just maybe, you can try coming back, when I'm still here."
Okay, just judge me, I really don't know why am I so blind and dumb.
We talked after that night. Yeah. And again I thought we had hope.
(Ya just call me stupid, I'm still judging myself really harshly now for being so dumb.)
Again when I thought we had hope, he tweeted something saying "Tired of waiting, tired of being second."
I was stupid enough to ask him, he ignored.
I was stupid enough to kept annoying him until he told me he would tell me, and I thought he would.
I was fucking stupid enough to believe him that that fucking line was referring to his parents.
Still, at that time even though I had doubts, I chose to trust him.
WHICH PARENTS ON EARTH WOULD MAKE THEIR ONE AND ELDEST SON SECOND. WTF????
WHO ON EARTH DO THEY SEE AS THE FIRST THEN????
I really blame myself for being so fucking dumb.
And then the next day things were all cleared up for me.
I totally agree on the saying that girls could work better than FBI when they want to find things out.
I found out so much.
He turned out to be going after the girl.
He is having a crush on that girl.
He is preparing her birthday for her, so many things.
He bought her so many (expensive) gifts.
He brought her to everywhere we went before.
He ...................................
I do not want to continue. As long as you get what I'm trying to tell, its fine.
Y'know what, I was really, really disappointed.
Seeing how fast he could fall out of love from me when he still told me he missed me few days ago, and now going after another girl already.
It really makes me think, if a year of relationship we shared was all the while a joke.
Or he had special feelings for her already since quite long ago it was just me being dumb again?
I don't know. I was so messed up.
I swear my life have never been this messed up before.
It was so devastating. I was so devastated to find all this out.
Yeah, many people have been telling me that I treat him too good, he wouldn't appreciate and all.
To be really honest, I, myself have thought of these before. I had a lot of insecurities, he blamed me for being insecure.
While in fact those insecure was what he caused.
I'm sorry but how could I possibly feel secure when you're surrounded with attractive girls all the while.
I'm sorry it's probably my fault to you but I just couldn't take that.
No wait, fuck I'm not supposed to even feel sorry.
He said he just wanted freedom.
Yes, I admit that I was so super clingy. Oh well, I do not know how to explain why but only clingy people would understand.
He just didn't understand.
The way I showed how much I care, he didn't understand.
Maybe he fell for the girl because she can give him that freedom feeling he wanted.
Well I don't know and I don't want to find out more about it.
Knowing what he had done behind me is already cruel enough for me.
/////// Although there's a lot of mixed feelings and perception I'm having in my head, I don't think its appropriate for me to share it here.
Like, I do not want to talk bad about people in public la ok.
(PS DONT JUDGE ME FOR TALKING BAD BOUT PEOPLE, I BELIEVE YOU DID THAT BEFORE TOO K)
And after I found out everything, I went all over and ranted at him.
I couldn't hold my anger, I couldn't hold my tears.
I just did not expect this at all although I've seen signs of it.
But oh well, it still happened and I obviously can't do shit except for getting over it on my own.
I started to question the value of relationships.
I started to wonder, what was my life all about.
I mean, why do things like this always happen on me.
I feel sorry for all the good guys out there but I don't know how to trust anymore.
It makes me feel so stupid for trusting him all this long.
Why do people have to lie?
Their excuse is always "Because I don't want you to get hurt."
Funny isn't it. I think these people do not use their brain because being lied to is more hurtful than being told a hurtful truth. I swear.
And it is really funny when I saw him saying that he pity that girl because her ex did not spend money on her.
It's just, such a fucking huge joke okay man.
You pity her, and you hurt me, who the fuck on earth is supposed to pity me then?
Never mind, I'm not a pathetic person, I do not need people to pity me.
But well I still hoped that there's people who thinks that he is at fault, not me.
I wished that I'm lovely and kind enough to say "Never mind, can't blame him." No, sorry not sorry but I don't think he deserve that.
He had someone who gave him her whole world. Who seen him as everything.
But he took it the bad way, he took it as me eating all his freedom up.
And there you go another joke.
He have never told me about how "not free" he felt when he was with me.
Ya it's understandable that you're not that kind of person that would tell, but honestly, do you really fucking think that me as a human, not even that clever can be able to read your mind, can be able to know what you really feel inside?
Honestly, logic sikit boleh tak?
Who on earth can read a mind man.
Not even psychologist are able to do it when people don't tell or no actions was shown.
I'm stupid enough to still care about him, to still tell him to drive safely, tell him to not use his phone while driving, tell him to stop having shisha and all.
Oh well, my care turns out to be annoying as fuck to him. It's okay.
If that's the way he wants his life to be, then go ahead, I'm out of it already anyway.
If you think that way it makes you a better person, ya, go ahead.
Someday, just someday, he would realize how fucking much I cared, how tired I was, and how fucking hurtful was it for him to do all these to me.
People who don't even care about your safety, don't care about your health, you think its worth it.
Whereas people who cares about you with a true heart, cares about everything, you think its annoying.
K.
Really makes me laugh at it when you do not know how to appreciate what you had, and you pity what someone gave to someone else and never got anything in return.
Have you ever thought of, me giving you everything, and never really asked for anything in return?
I don't ask for gifts, I don't ask for love quotes, I don't ask for sweet words, all I wanted was just a little bit more love to be felt.
It's okay, people can only see what they don't have.
They don't pay attention on what they had.
Can't believe he said he is making her a diary.
I mean. wow. Diary, the longest thing I got from him was a few pages of TYPED letter.
And yea, each time I read it, I still smile at it, so widely.
Even after so many months since he handed me that.
Isn't it cute that he wants to make someone who he just fell for, A DIARY?
Like, LOL honestly? What do you have to write inside?
I mean, I made a freaking photobook for him, and it was like 30 pages, I had pictures and a year of memories but still I got stuck at some parts and it took me a month to finish it.
Even funnier when he didn't even plan anything for our anniversary when we were still together.
And right after the break up he plans so much for someone else's birthday.
It's just fucking funny okay.
Please do find yourself acting like a joke because you do sound like one man.
It's fine if any one of you feels that I'm just jealous over the girl.
Oh well, maybe I am.
Because just look at how fucking much I prepared okay.
If you don't know how much I prepared, let me tell you.
I spent so much time picking the best pictures, thinking the sweetest thing on earth to write in, saving money to buy his damn-expensive-tee, buy him a bed sheet set.
Like hello, what I wrote in the booklet wasn't even short at all, the shortest could have like 200 words at least. And those stuffs were super expensive k.
AND I AM DEFINITELY A STINGY PERSON IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE CAN GO AND ASK MY HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS.
It's still fine if you don't understand what I feel.
I mean, nobody in this world can fully utilize what you feel anyway.
Anyways, I'm glad that I found out that he is not the person I think he is.
At least, I can now pick up on my life and start living it properly again.
Man, you screw up too much of it. Not allowing it to happen anymore.
I'm not that lovely to wish you good luck. Yeah, I'm kind, but I still do have my limits and you've successfully reached it because not everyone can possibly reach it.
I don't even care who on earth would read this, don't even care if anyone I know in real life reads this.
I don't even care if anyone was involved in this issue read this.
I don't even care if anyone will start to hate me because of this.
Obviously if you can hate me for a blog post of what have been going on my mind, you doesn't worth to be a 'somebody' to me.
I won't hate you tho, still. I won't regret those times we had because they were once good days too.
BUT ENOUGH I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF SEEING MYSELF BEING SOMETHING THAT'S NOT EVEN ME AT ALL.
Leave my life alone, just go and screw yours up. I wasn't fine with you screwing your life up but now I'm totally fine with it. Go ahead.
Good bye? HAHAHA, no too kind man.
I quit being kind already.
Not to shitheads, at least.
Go fuck your life.
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